I have so many things I want to write about today, that the words are jumbling in my head and falling over themselves in an attempt to come out. The results are chaotic and non-sensical, and while the central theme is the same, I can’t seem to fix on a singular way to come at it.
You see, this week has been about bullying. Both in our home, where we are facing issues at Poss’ school, but also seeing friends go through it online. It’s not a new theme for us, as a family we have faced this in varying degrees since Poss was diagnosed. Either way, it’s always the same; attacked for differences, whether they be a diagnosis, or simply for holding a different opinion.
I keep coming back to that old saying “play the ball, not the player”.
I worry that we have lost the ability to have a healthy debate. The ability to challenge each other respectfully. To have the conversations that need to be had in order to build understanding. To hold a lively debate over the issues and then, sometimes, agree to disagree. To argue a perspective, without attacking someones values or person. To be tolerant.
It’s a sign of maturity to be able to accept that others have a different point of view to you, and we have a choice – either learn from it, engage in the conversation with an open mind and respectful manner, or walk (or click) away.
I don’t expect this maturity from an eight year old. I might not like that a small minority call my daughter stupid, or point out her deficiencies in front of a group. Exclude her and making her feel isolated. Going behind her back and making snide remarks, ensuring other girls are mean to her too. But I understand they are eight.
What I don’t understand is when grown women (and I am highlighting women, as in my experience, it’s almost always women) feel it’s ok for them to behave the way the eight year olds are; whether it’s done on twitter, in private facebook groups, through retaliating blog posts back and forth, or over exclusive coffee meetings and at school pick up and drop off times.
The outcome is the same.
Someone feels isolated, under attack and singled out. Their differences are highlighted and instead of others learning from their points of view or experiences, and engaging in a respectful conversation, the person becomes the object of attention, of abuse.
Suddenly there is snark, people are outraged that they dared to have a different perspective, a different opinion, a different experience and even more outraged that they dared to share it.
“How dare they? Who gives them the right, they obviously don’t know how I feel about it? How dare they share a view I can’t relate to. That’s not my experience at all, but I won’t share my experience in the hope it builds mutual understanding, instead I will attack theirs”
A mob mentality builds as people chose sides; people craft snide remarks with the deliberate intent of hurting others.
The original person is left wondering how this all happened, what they could have possibly done to deserve this attack, questioning their worth, wondering how they became the ball, when all they wanted to do was share an opinion.
Much like my Poss, who can’t understand what she has done.
They’ve done nothing, really. Except dare to be a bit different.
I could not agree with you more. The general ‘feeling’ on social media at the moment is making me want to ditch it all together, much less express an opinion. That would be a shame though because some of the loveliest people I have met have been on social media.
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Thanks Suz – I think you are spot on, there is a weird vibe on some social media platforms at the moment, which I know has seen at least two friends pull back this week out of self preservation. I hate that people feel that way…
Renee recently posted..Dare to be different
Yesterday I watched a Fairfax journalist cop heat over a piece that I quite enjoyed, someone tweeted to him ‘people who are secure aren’t so vociferous in their outrage and criticism’ and I think there’s something to that. Hope things ease up for Poss soon x
I love that tweet… along the same lines, someone said to me yesterday that ‘dogs don’t bark at parked cars’. There’s something in that too. xx
Renee recently posted..Dare to be different
You always have a better way to say it than I do!
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Not better, just different
Renee recently posted..Dare to be different
There has been a lot of talk recently in federal politics about so-called ‘dog whistling’ in which the act of speaking one message sends a sub-text to another group of listeners.
It seems to be the case in blogging circles as well. I am sick of it. To me, it tells me that some are incredibly insecure about themselves and I for one would really like to see everyone involved take a step back and regain some perspective. Frankly none of us are that special.
I really don’t trust accolades and support cfrom my friends. It’s like school references – you never see a bad one. What mattera to me is that I trusted my intuition, gave my work my full attention, skill and integrity and moderated and curate my content responsibly without aligning myself to any one group The. End.
Thanks for dropping by Sandra.
I love that you brought up ‘dog whistling’, as I think you are spot on – both in the sense that it’s going on, and also in the sense that none of us are that special!
Renee recently posted..Dare to be different
Well said lovely. xo
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Thanks Jodes x
Renee recently posted..Dare to be different
Couldn’t agree more and I have nothing to add!
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Thanks sweets, I appreciate your support x
Renee recently posted..Dare to be different
i have to be extra careful at the moment because with the bully awareness campaigns run in our school Nemo was easily feeling ‘bullied’ but, i think i told you before, sadly, they are now at an age where it actually might start to get really nasty…
i have explained to him too, that often, bullies are afraid of anything that is a bit different of the norm and that often, behind the bullying, they are afraid to be bullied themselves, so they try to be first and get people on their side. Like you, i agree that grownup bullies are everywhere, it’s way more subtle, yet so ostracising and hurtful when you get that, sometimes so surprising and completely unnecessary.
I also think that in terms of bullying, teenage and grownups alike, our ‘online exposure’, initially and by most created to be connected and sharing, has more and more become an eggdance (if that translates) and at times, totally puts me off the whole thing. (blogging, chatting, tweeting, fbooking.. )
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Thanks Nikki. I do sometimes wonder with Poss, and we certainly take things with a grain of salt, knowing her perception of things is often skewed from the reality of the situation. Unfortunately this time it’s been going on for a few weeks now, so we’ve had to involve the school. They are being wonderful, but Poss is still so upset…
I think your explanation to him is a good one – and works perfectly for adults in many occasions too. The fear of the unknown, the fear of being different themselves can drive people to do lots of surprising things.
Thanks again lovely x
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It’s kind of ironic to have another post related to it, talking about all the posts lol!
I think I’ve managed to stay in my bubble this week because I’ve luckily seemed to have missed most of the nastiness that I’m hearing about. I read the post that it seemed to stem from and thought it unfortunately worded, then read another post on the topic that was interesting as well. The worst thing I’ve read was a comment on the second post that was downright combative, especially given the writer did not link to the first post (although unfortunately others felt the need to).
It’s a fine line hey? What is debate to one person can be taken as an attack by another and it seems to come down to how thick skinned people are as to how they react. And as a very thin skinned person myself I feel for those who have been hurt over the past week.
I’m sorry there are dramas with school again too. We’re having issues here too, and it is miserable.
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Thanks for commenting Kate – I always appreciate your perspective. You are right, it is a fine line, and one that will vary from person to person. However, I stand by the fact that when people make it personal, instead of discussing the issues in a respectful manner, it’s bound to become hurtful – no matter how thick the skin.
Sorry to hear you guys are struggling – there’s nothing worse than trying to explain crap behaviour to your child, when you don’t understand it yourself.
Renee recently posted..Dare to be different
Oh I could not agree more Renee. There is a huge difference between expressing an opinion and having a go at the person expressing it. It astonishes me that grown women have such a hard time with that.
xox
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“It’s a sign of maturity to be able to accept that others have a different point of view to you”. Indeed Renee. Unfortunately here, no one has been able to see that my point of view is also valid.
Everyone is crying bullying and I find I am at the centre of a concerted campaign of nastiness and misinformation from you and your clique.
Carli wrote a post which deeply offended me. Her implication that bloggers writing about depression were “the new black” and that we were all just jumping on the bandwagon of mental illness in order to garner page views was incredibly offensive and hurtful.
As a blogger who had recently shared my struggle with postnatal depression openly, I found Carli’s assumption of my reasons for sharing to be reprehensible in the extreme.
You say that you don’t know why grown women feel the need to behave this way, I’m curious, by “this way” do you mean responding to a blog post by writing an article? In which case, the irony is thick here, isn’t it.
Through this entire thing, I have felt attacked, maligned and bullied by your group of friends. It’s not okay for me to write an article questioning things, but it’s okay for you to attack me? The hypocrisy here is palpable.
If Carli thought that her blog post wasn’t offensive, then why did she close comments and then ultimately remove the post and all evidence of it. If she was so certain that she was in the right, then surely, she would have been prepared to stand by her words.
Depression most assuredly not the new black.
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Hey Veronica – thanks for taking the time to read my post and comment.
I am sorry to hear that you are upset; however at no point in my post do I reference you, nor any post you, or anyone else, wrote. If you look back at my twitter feed, and on my facebook wall, I have not ventured an opinion, nor did I comment on either post you have mentioned above.
So I am a bit taken a back that you feel I have attacked you in any way at all. In fact, I believe I have been extremely moderated in my response.
I won’t venture to guess what others may, or may not have done or said, as that would be playing the person, not the ball, nor will I comment on any other blog post, your’s or anyone else’s, their motives behind it, specific quotes from within it, or comments made on either post.
Moving away from the person, and looking at the topic, mental health issues and acts of bullying are something that is very close to my heart, having had much experience with both, personally and with the things we have been through with Poss. I would never presume to tell you that you aren’t entitled to your opinion on how you manage your challenges.
Of course you are and you have the right to share that opinion on your blog, just like anyone else, and I can now see that my line above about ‘blog posts back and forth’ was poorly worded and probably needs to be changed.
What I don’t like, what disappoints me and leaves me struggling to understand, was the assumption that there was a need to play the person, not the issue. That naming and shaming another blogger, attacking their views and motives, either on twitter or in the comments sections, is the right thing to do. It goes both ways Veronica – I hate seeing it happen, whether it’s to my friends or others, it’s irrelevant to me. The behaviour is poor. Full stop.
I am not saying you did this, not at all (as I said above, at no point did I reference you in any way at all) but you can’t deny that others have taken this approach this week, both in reference to the posts you mention, but also around other issues such as feminism and ‘mummy bloggers’.
And that’s what this post was about.
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