It’s been a while. The blog has been lying dormant, and I’ve only been posting minimally on the socials. That’s not to say that writing hasn’t been on my mind. It always is. I find myself composing blog posts in the shower, in the car, while I’m listening to pod casts and walking the dog.
And it’s not because life has been boring. It really hasn’t been. We’ve had some big changes around here, and while it’s not easy, it’s probably long overdue.
It’s just because I’ve kind of lost the ability to put it all into writing. I’m not sure that I’ve found it again, but I won’t know if I don’t at least start trying.
So with that, it’s back to the drawing board. One of the reasons I started this little blog all those years ago (and it’s six years now) is that I needed a place to empty my head and make sense of my world as it flowed through my fingers and onto the screen.
I probably need that again now. Maybe more than ever.
I find myself staring at the screen, willing the words to come. How do you tell a story that isn’t yours? That’s bigger than you? That’s inherently about the people around you? For many, I guess they wouldn’t. I guess they’d shy away from trying to find a way to explain.
But then again, I’m central to the story. While it’s not just my story, it’s still my story. It will always be my story now. Part of the fibres of who I am. No longer a family of three, no longer married, no longer a wife. After 19 years, no longer someone else’s partner.
It’s been happening for some time. More time than I care to admit. But a while ago now, it became official, and not something any of us could pretend away anymore.
The way I describe myself has to change. And it goes beyond changing my surname. Beyond finding a way to comfortably say ‘single mum’. Beyond working out the logistics of houses, and custody, and finances.
I’m stumbling my way through it. Probably not always doing it right, but then again, they don’t provide you with a rule book for this stuff.
And to be honest, it’s not as sad or devastating as I’d always imagined it would be. I’m still breathing. I’m not broken. Life has gone on. Laughter, happiness and joy have surprised me in their brightness, their clarity and their frequency.
And that says to me, it’s the right thing. It’s been a long time coming. It was time.