It’s my party and I’ll cry if I want to

It's my party and I'll cry if I want to

I am going to let you in on a secret.

I really don’t like my birthday. Every year, I end up in tears and this year was no different.

I don’t know why; but I suspect it’s the pressure to have a ‘great’ day  that very rarely delivers, that leaves me feeling a mixture of let down and like I have failed somehow.

Don’t get me wrong, I love my family with all my heart. I am surrounded my beautiful, gorgeous friends who care about me greatly. On the whole, they do everything they can to make my day special. I don’t want to sound un-grateful.

But there are people in my life who *should* make an effort, and they don’t. I always seem to forget that they won’t and then am crushed when yet again, they forget. It leaves a horrid, bitter taste.

This year, we also doubled up with an appointment with a new psychologist for Poss. As well as a whole heap of issues around actually getting the appointment time right, and the correct paperwork with the correct specialist, which left us all highly stressed before we even got in the door – she spent much of the time insisting we get Poss re-assessed for other conditions, to add to the ASD diagnosis.

It left me feeling wrung out. Exhausted and so, so disappointed.

We have been through an extensive assessment just over two years ago. The conditions she was insisting we have re-assessed for Poss wasn’t even showing markers for then.

We have just been given an additional diagnosis, of anxiety, about three months ago. With this came another label. Another lot of treatment. Medication.

I can’t face another assessment. Not yet. Not when I truly don’t believe another label and even more medication is going to make my little girl any happier or settled.

So I spent the afternoon in tears. Feeling like a failure. A failure as a mother. A failure as a daughter. A failure as a birthday girl, because I should have been happy. Should have been celebrating.

Poss saw my tears and wrapped up some of my favourite things (a book, a necklace, a dress and a photo), so that I had something to open. She made me a ‘cake’ of cookies and insisted we wear the hats while she sang to me. ‘A party for Mummy’ she said. Her overwhelming sweetness bought more tears, but for different reasons.

Husband bought me my favourite flowers and dumplings and held me whilst I cried. He raged against those who had hurt me, yet again. Calmed me about the psychologist and promised we will deal with it in the new year. Finally he promised to never leave me alone on my birthday again.

Tonight, I will try again. Dinner with some of my all time favourite people, at one of my favourite restaurants. There will be gin, there will be laughs and there will be a Barbie cake that was made especially for me by a gorgeous, thoughtful and talented friend.

I am going to leave everything else behind. I am going to enjoy being with the people who do care, who are proud of me and want to celebrate another year with me. I am going to eat Barbie cake and I am going to enjoy my birthday. Even if it’s a few days late.


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  1. Have a wonderful evening sweetheart. You deserve it x
    Caroline recently posted..The Best Laid PlansMy Profile

  2. Josephine says:

    Renee, you sound like in incredible mother, wife,friend & human. I feel much the same about my birthday and have a group of real friends who pull me out if it. Have a great night & thank you for sharing, your honesty is incredibly generous x

  3. I don’t know you but all I need to do is read your blog to see there is NO WAY you could be a failure as a parent. It’s obvious how devoted and dedicated you are to Poss.

    Have a wonderful celebration tonight, you deserve it!
    Ness recently posted..Weird and WonderfulMy Profile

  4. Enjoy tonight Renee.
    I am so sorry your day was crappy.
    Hannah recently posted..Go FishMy Profile

  5. Aw sweets – I know how you feel – I get that every flipping year, I reckon – the disappointment, the horrible, cloying disappointment. You are categorically not a failure as a mother – we all know you are moving heaven and earth to ensure Poss feels loved and accepted. You rock, little lady, don’t ever forget that! Kx
    Kimberley M recently posted..December Photo a day: 1-8My Profile

  6. It was my birthday yesterday.

    My parents, brother & SIL came over with wine & snacks & cake to celebrate.

    The whole thing was Pleasant enough till everyone left.

    To be told on your birthday that your cake ( brought by guests because he couldn’t be bothered getting one ) was lame after being given a last minute, hand scribbled, (and not in the crafty sort either,) card is what drove me to tears. Being told that I must not think much of myself to be willing to accept that sad little gathering in our non suitable for entertaining home, hurt.
    Is it wrong that I want to be fussed over? Again, like you Renee, I don’t want to sound ungrateful, as I was happy just to have people who care want to spend it with me. But o be belittled for enjoying it? I dunno.
    Happy birthday to you. Whatever it is you want – ask for it, no – better still – demand it. Be a diva. Life’s too short for being the nice guys. We end up finishing last.

    (sorry 4 the rant – needed to unload – and gay was just the tip of the ice berg!)
    Thanks and HAPPY BIRTHDAY!
    G ox

  7. I’m sorry your day had any sadness.

    Hope you had a fantastic night out xox
    Naomi recently posted..Flash Friday Giveaway with Heart – The Key of SeaMy Profile

  8. It doesn’t matter how much you know, it always seems to hurt, that let down. My birthday is looming, a new year birthday when everyone is too busy, too poor, blah blah, I’ve turned into a bit of a birthday grinch. I don’t like it, but it’s really hard to get out of. I almost suffer from birthday anxiety. I’ve seen some pics on Instagram that suggest if nothing else that you had a lovely night with a bunch of people who care a lot about you. You’re a lovely person Renee, you deserve it.
    Mandy recently posted..Elf on the Shelf :: Week 1 Round UpMy Profile

  9. I’m sorry you had a crappy birthday. Next year book no appointments on that day and do everything you can to look after yourself so there’s no time to think about how others haven’t been there for you. Fill your own cup!


  1. […] by friends and family and with my very own Barbie cake. The night more than made up for my birthday grinching earlier in the […]

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