Longing to stay there

Longing to stay

I’ve heard the phrase that when you have children, your heart walks around outside your body. How their defeats, their struggles, their pain are felt as keenly as your own. Sometimes more keenly, as all you want to do is be able to protect them from life’s struggles. Life’s pains.

We seem to have been through a lot in the last few weeks. There has been much pain and many tears. Like the saying, I think I have shed as many as Poss.

She is crying for a lost friendship and a life that has altered, shifted beyond her recognition. She wants her life to revert to the way it was, the way it has always been, or at least for the past three years. Her biggest supporter, her interpreter is no longer there. She wants it all back. She truly doesn’t understand why it’s gone. Where it’s gone.

I am crying for a daughter that feels an aloneness I have never experienced, I hope to never experience. I am crying from fear, scared she won’t find her place, her tribe. Desperately sad for the things she has missed out on, and the things she will miss out on in the future. Worried our smiley happy girl, the one who laughed readily and loved with abandon won’t come back. Scared she will listen to these things being said to her and it will alter the fragile perception she has of herself.

I lie awake long into the night, and end up shifting her into our bed, just so I can hold her while she sleeps.

Listening to her breath, longing to stay there, safe and protected.

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Comments

  1. You are a wonderful Mum. God bless xo
    Sandra recently posted..Why do we blog?My Profile

  2. Heartbreaking. Sending strength and love to you all. xo
    Jody recently posted..Weekly StillsMy Profile

  3. She will find her tribe, I promise x
    Caroline recently posted..The Broken BiscuitMy Profile

  4. Oh Gosh, do I hear you. Brings me to my knees and threatens to make me stay flat. My girl is (so far) comfortable walking the school grounds by herself when she finds herself alone. I bristle and brace… but she seems ok within herself. For now. I fear how the world will change her, but I need to convert that into faith and embrace her future life. Even if so I can just stay a half-step ahead to soften some of these blows.

    Feel for you deeply xxxxx
    Kirrily recently posted..A natural flea / floor / all-purpose cleaning spray recipeMy Profile

  5. You are exactly where Poss needs you – by her side. Your strength and love will help her find her way. X
    Bec | Mumma Tells recently posted..Mothering With Open EyesMy Profile

  6. Poss will find her tribe, it might take a while but I saw my son alone and marginalised so often but now he is 15 and has friends, proper friends, and he is finding his way through the sensory maze and his aspergers and so will Poss. You are there as her rock and she will take her strength from you. xxx

  7. Beautiful post Renee. Very touching.

  8. ah.. so Poss has actually lost a friend to the mainstream .. ? =(
    i hope, no i know, someone else will come around. tell her to stay strong, to find peace within herself, but to always stay open. there might just be at least ONE other girl looking for a meaningful friendship, and together, they can be their own tribe.. xx
    nikki recently posted..L’expert – c’est moi! You know best for your child.. but you don’t know everything.My Profile

  9. I can’t really add much to the above comments, just wanted to say I’m thinking of you both.
    Carli recently posted..We don’t buy albums anymore NannaMy Profile

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