Selfishly selfish

selfishly selfish

I’ve always been a late night person. Not a three in the morning person, but it’s not uncommon to find me up at midnight most nights. It’s my time, and I’m unashamedly selfishly selfish about it.

When my family are sleeping, and the house is settling, I tap away on my keyboard and empty my head. Other nights I pay bills or do the groceries online. Or I chat with my sisters and giggle with friends, also trying to steal a few extra hours for themselves.

But when Poss isn’t sleeping, like at the moment, that time, it disappears. Of course, it’s literally still there, but instead of being able to use it for myself, I am still switched on. Still in mum mode.

I still need to be attentive, to listen, to hold her, to wipe tears and to try and find a way to help her through the frustration that only comes with a serious desire to sleep when you can’t.

Some nights she’s happy enough to listen to her audio books, quietly laying there and taking in the words, checking in regularly to see when I’ll be going to bed. Some nights she needs to lie on the couch, close enough to reach out and make sure I’m still nearby. Then there are the nights when the tears won’t stop, the toys are thrown and nothing makes sense.

When we do go to bed, she sleeps with me. Wrapping her long legs around mine in the night; always needing to know where I am. We don’t even argue about it anymore. Path of least resistance. If it means she’ll sleep, and sleep through, then it’s not even worth the conversation.

There’s a million reasons why she’s finding sleep hard at the moment. Take your pick: end of term, school holidays, Christmas and all that the things bring. It could be all of them, or it could be something else entirely that we’re missing. At this point, I’m not sure it even matters.

I don’t begrudge Poss this time; it is what it is. There will be times when she doesn’t need me, but at the moment, she does. It won’t always be this way, as I seem to be reminding myself of a lot lately.

But I do miss that alone time. Selfishly selfish as it may be.

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Comments

  1. Hugs to you both. It is very hard when you don’t get your downtime, it means that you are then not at your best to be able to cope with the things that life throws your way.

    Hope this passes soon.
    Cathy recently posted..12 Days of ChristmasMy Profile

  2. I know where you’re coming from; my alone time is late at night and I do have to stop resentful thoughts if one of mine comes downstairs after a nightmare, or won’t go to bed in the first place. I know they can’t help being anxious but I do sometimes feel like screaming and running away to a hut in the middle of nowhere.

  3. I so hear you. I love it when all of the house is quiet and the days chaos has disappeared. Its like for one moment you can be just you. Not mum or the wife or the worker. Just You. Good luck with the weeks ahead.

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