The cup is full…

So I wrote this post earlier this week and within a few hours of it going live, I received an email that  made me cry fat ugly tears. So I thought it was only fair that I share it with you.

Thankfully the lovely Snoskred agreed with me and has allowed me to publish her words below…

the cup is full

Her cup of human interaction was probably full. I’ve spoken about that before on your blog, but I might not have mentioned the struggle we had as a family with that.
For me, from year 7 onwards, I had on average one day a fortnight where I just couldn’t handle going to school. It was a really awful time for all of us. And I had no idea why I felt that way, until I was finally diagnosed with Aspergers over twenty years later.

I’ve been talking with my psychologist about this and about having a session with my parents to talk about it, because even all these years later, the damage done to our relationship from all those morning Me:”I can’t go to school today” VS them: “you ARE going to school” fights still sometimes shows itself.

So maybe if I say to you now exactly what I would want to say to them in our counselling session.. maybe it might help you and Poss in the long term. I wrote this out a few weeks ago so I could talk it over with my psychologist before we sit down with my parents. Here are the things I want to say to them…

  • My not wanting to go to school was never about you. It was never a reflection on your parenting skills. It was totally about me and my human interaction cup being full.
  • Maybe if I had been diagnosed with Aspergers back then, we might have found coping strategies that would have helped me handle this better. I might have been able to find signals that my cup was getting full the day before that might have helped us as a family plan ahead. I might have found good ways to unfill the cup which would have meant less days off from school for me.
  • The fights we had every single time I couldn’t make myself go to school made my human interaction cup even more full, and made it take more time to empty. I could handle occasional bad interactions with the people who don’t matter, but when it was bad interactions with the people I love and trust, that made everything a lot more difficult for me. Not your fault, just how it was.
  • I know you said I was lazy a lot, trying to find an explanation for what was happening. I’m not lazy. I would have happily gone to school/work every single day if I did not have to deal with the people.
  • Maybe if we’d had a diagnosis, we could have decided on a different career path for me because sales and customer service was not the best idea, even though I was good at it and could act the part, acting a part for 8.5 hours a day was just too exhausting for me mentally.
  • Had we known, maybe we would have changed the school arrangements so I didn’t have to interact with so many people, especially so many people I disliked. Changing schools in year 5 – when we had the big blowup and I got moved into a class full of people I did not know at all on the first day of school – probably would have helped me. But this is all said with the benefit of hindsight, and is quite pointless. Things were the way they were.
  • I know you loved me and you wanted to help me. It is not your fault that I have Aspergers. It is not your fault we didn’t know I had it. We were all doing the best we could, and we need to build the bridge together and walk over it.
  • I know that somewhere along the way in your lives you were told absences from school were a bad thing but the truth is, missing school did not stop me from learning all the things I needed to. Forcing me to go to school at times when I really could not handle it caused more problems than it solved for all of us.

The one piece of advice I would give you, Renee, from someone who has Aspergers to a parent who clearly loves her child with Aspergers – don’t fight about this. It isn’t worth the damage it will do to either of you physically and mentally. It isn’t worth the added stress on either of you.

When she says no to school, she’s saying it for a reason and it has absolutely nothing to do with you as a mother or as a human being.

——————
You can follow Snoskred on her blog here. And big thanks for letting me share this insight into your world. 
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Comments

  1. Oh, this made me weep! X
    Kimba Likes recently posted..Latest Style and Beauty FavouritesMy Profile

  2. Thank you. I’m keeping this one as I’m sure I’ll need to refer to it.
    Support for ASD carers from ASD people is invaluable.
    Bless xx

  3. You know I have really been thinking about this lately and i can’t help but feel a little fearful of what we are doing to our kids. With so much focus on everything you mention here in this post, all the focus on what society view as what we “must” do and it’s crap.

    Our kids, adults need to be taught how to un fill the cup because it is killing us, how about we explore what gifts we have and how we can best use them and LOVE all sides of ourselves… instead of seeing them as bad or wrong. teach our kids to use their emotional guidance system to feel good and find ways to best manage that. These life skills are just as important as reading and writing.

    I really enjoyed and loved these piece, thank you so much xxx
    Renee Mayne recently posted..Ever Wondered WHY It Keeps Happening To You?My Profile

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