Later this week I’ll be standing on a stage, presenting to a group of people. It may only be a handful, or who knows, it might be standing room only, but either way I’m expected to speak in front of them.
It’s not that I don’t enjoy public speaking; I do. Maybe ironic, given how much I generally find that sort of thing hard. Maybe it’s the stage between me and the people? Maybe it’s that I can focus on the mass, instead of the individual? I don’t know, but I do enjoy it.
But like most people, it’s always tinged with nerves in the lead up to stepping on the stage. No matter how well I know my material. And unlike most times when I speak (usually on things to do with my job), the subject matter is a bit closer to home.
I’ll be speaking about this blog. About my daughter. About me. About the thoughts that bounce around in my head. About our experience with ASD. About the role that this little corner of the online world has played in our lives over the past few years. The good, the bad and the ugly.
And I’m nervous as hell.
I know I shouldn’t be nervous. I know I shouldn’t be worried about it. I know I can talk about this stuff till the cows come home, and underwater. Probably at the same time. I know the lines. I live the story. I’m one of the main characters. Or at least the best supporting actress.
Yet, whenever I try to distill it all into a powerpoint presentation, with a few snappy bullet points; my mind goes blank.
Because how do you take almost six years of writing, living and learning, and turn it into a concise, useful talk? Into something that people will be able to walk away feeling as though they’ve learned something? To make it useful and worthwhile? I don’t know.
And when I think about how much this little corner of the internet means to me, and to the shape our family since Poss’ diagnosis, I’m pretty protective of it. I’m proud of it. I love that Poss describes herself as a blogger’s kid and the sense of belonging that comes with that. But putting it out there on display for everyone to question? To judge? I know I shouldn’t care, but I kind of do.
So instead I’m procrastinating by writing blog posts about how I can’t do a presentation, when I should be actually doing said presentation. And around and around it goes.
Maybe I’ll start tomorrow. Nothing like the pressure of a deadline, right?