They are starting to blur…

Memories fade, blur - but the feelings remain

The phone rings and the screen flashes up “school”.

It’s enough to make my heart beat a little quicker and by breath to catch. A million thoughts run through my mind in the time it takes for me to swipe my finger across and answer it.

I pray for them to say “it’s ok, she’s ok, everyone’s ok” before they even say hello.

They do this now, having called so many times and knowing the panic the call induces.

But no. Not this time.

It’s the principal. And just her voice throws me back to a time not that long ago, but a time I never wish to revisit.

It’s a new principal now though, a new teacher and we are over 12 months down the road. Maybe I had let my guard down a bit, thought we were past this point. Not expecting the call, but also, surprisingly not as shocked as another parent might be.

Disappointed I guess. Resigned. There is no doubt in my mind that she has done what the principal is outlining to me. We have heard it before.

It’s funny how those other times all blur now. I tried to remember what happened and when – put it into a concise timeline so I can order it in my mind. I know who, of course, because those details don’t fade, but which order, who said what, did what and when? It’s not as clear.

There is a permanent hangover, one that will always be there. Parents we don’t talk to, who don’t talk to us. The words were too cutting, too hard and sharp. The damage has been done and I can’t see a time when we will be able to move past it. I am not sure I want to. Nor do they, I suspect.

That feeling of dread, heavy and weighing on my shoulders – that comes rushing back. The fear over what will happen next. Husband’s concern and my mum’s calm panic. I remember that clearly.

But this time we were lucky. It could have been worse; it has been worse in the past. What we are doing has been helping, the social stories, the therapy, the doctors, even just a little bit. It shouldn’t have happened, but it might have been worse.

Everyone stayed calm and showed a restraint and understanding we aren’t used to. It reinforces we made the right choice to stay, all those months ago. Stick it out and put in the work.

And maybe it’s ok that they are starting to blur. Maybe I don’t need to remember the details. They say time heals all.

But I have a feeling the memories will come rushing back every time the phone flashes up ‘school’.

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Comments

  1. Oh my chest tightened reading this. I dread seeing school flash up on my phone and hate walking through the playground feeling judged x big hugs, Renee x
    Caroline recently posted..Sink or swim?My Profile

    • I know the feeling well… It does get easier. Not the phone calls, but the walking through the playground being judged. You will get to a point where you no longer care. It is liberating and glorious! 😉

  2. this made my heart race.
    we get calls, letters, emails… so tired all the time
    YLMBreadless (@YLMBreadless) recently posted..I did finishMy Profile

  3. We had this a few weeks ago. Our first phonecall from the principal. He was judging & we were feeling defeated. It’s an awful feeling… Not something I think I’ll ever get used to. I just need to keep in my mind the good days when the bad days feel like they’re taking over. xoxo

    • Oh Melinda – there is nothing worse than the judgey tone – bound to get my back up straight away. Lots of deep breaths and calm thoughts… xx

  4. “the right choice to stay” says it all, glad everything is ok and handled calmly etc. most importantly hope poss is ok – emily x
    Mrs Sabbatical recently posted..Don’t do as I sayMy Profile

    • Thanks Emily – she was ok. We were all ok. And after such a heart stopper last week, she went on to win Student of the Week this week. It’s a roller-coaster…!

  5. I have been there too Renee and I still panic when I know the school is calling. You can only continue to put in the effort, openly communicate with the school and remain positive – that’s what I try to do anyway.
    Kirsty @ My Home Truths recently posted..The Working Parent Jigsaw PuzzleMy Profile

    • So true Kirsty. We are very lucky that we have all worked hard on building that relationship, but like anything it’s taken time to get there with some not so great times along the way.

  6. Our school number comes up as blocked. Only once have I had a call but it was an awful three seconds when I realized they were not ringing just to say hi.
    Claireyhewitt recently posted..Sharing too much information on blogs. Or Not.My Profile

    • It’s a terrible feeling… I don’t know that I could cope if they had a private number, I think I would flip out every time one was displayed on my phone!

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