I want to write and tell you what a wonderful birthday week Poss had. I want to tell you how proud we are that she managed her first week at school with no incidents to speak of. I want to write and share her birthday celebrations, the photos, the fun and the smiling faces. Or how well she did at swimming sports today, coming home with a swag of ribbons.
All of these things are true. They should be easy for me to write. Should be easy to share. There are lots of proud mummy moments.
But instead, I can’t seem to get past the hard. The shouting, the yelling, the kicking and screaming. The harsh words and the hatred. And not all directed at us; some of it thrown at her extremely patient and compassionate friends.
All the usual excuses apply. She is tired. It’s been a big week. It was noisy, loud and chaotic.
But the truth is, I wonder, does it matter? The other kids had all the same things happen. They all had big weeks, all with their own challenges to tackle.
Yet, none of them screamed at the other kids in a public place, before running off down a busy, crowded street. None of them punched and kicked their parents when they tried to hold them to calm them down. None of them shouted that she hated the others, calling them evil and never wanted to see them again, because a simple rule wasn’t obeyed. None of them screamed so badly, fought so loudly on the freeway that their parents had to pull the car over, twice.
I know they are different. It’s not fair to compare. Of course I know this.
We will always come back. There’s no other option, she’s our girl, it’s really just as simple as that. She can call me any word under the sun, but I will always be her Mum. That’s the benefit of unconditional love.
But her friends? They aren’t bound to her the way we are. At the moment, they know she is different and sometimes lashes out in frustration. They have grown with her over the past three years, showing unbelievable compassion towards her. They love her and accept her just the way she is.
But one day, maybe they won’t. One day they will tell her to fuck off. And if she continues to treat them like that, it will be rightly so.
When we told her that and explained that if she treated them like that, then one day she would have no friends, she responded that she didn’t care. Didn’t want friends anyway. Didn’t need them and was happy on her own.
Maybe that’s why I can’t write about the good stuff. What does it matter if she won some ribbons at swimming, if she doesn’t understand the need for friends?
Eyes full of tears for you all x
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That last paragraph is so familiar & so heartwrenching.
Hearing people on radio talking about their kids starting school and saying “well as long as they make friends then I’ll be happy” kills me. My son simply has no concept or desire to have friends…
I can’t imagine what it must be like to be treated that way, but on the note of friends, my daughter, whilst she has friends, I truly believe doesn’t have a ‘need’ for friends. She is so happy in her own solitude. Maybe if she truly had no body it would be something she craved. I don’t know. But I constantly have these conversations with my girlfriends, whose children live with the need for friends. Hell my son who is only 18 months younger couldn’t function without his posse of friends. I don’t understand it and my biggest challenge is not trying to.
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Those other kids do it too. Just differently. More subtly. It isn’t that P isn’t acting the same, she is just a bit behind on the maturity of her reaction. Eventually, as an adult, and with the awesome support you give her, she will be on the same level as her peers. That’s when she’ll understand why friends are awesome. In the meantime, you simply need to remind her of the bits about being a friend that she likes most, and encourage her to do them as often as she can. Make it a habit to be a good friend. And give her a hug when she wants it.
Oh Renee,
Sounds like she is struggling at the moment.
Maybe Poss it right though, maybe her friendships are too much of a strain on her?
Also sounds like she is rejecting the idea of friendship because it’s so difficult, rather than objecting to the idea of friends all together?
Take heart Renee, she will grow and change and find what nourishes her no matter what that is.
oxox
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Oh my darling Renee, much hugs & love to you Aaron & Gracie.
I still continue to watch Gracie grown, wven though it has been years since we have all seen each other.
I’m sure you have been told time & time again that you are both doing a remarkable job- everyone means it & so do I. Gracie is lucky to have such amazing parents xx
I have another friend going through similar issues with her child, a son (diagnosed).
I look after him on a monthly basis & have the same concerns for him (but love him regardless).
Even though I’m only his carer (babysitter) it hurts to see & hear the issues you mentioned. It would hurt much more being his or Gracie’s parent & wanting more for them.
Regardless of the outcome; Gracie is loved- loved by manyif she wants it or not
Oh man, i understand your fear when you watch her putting at risk what is so much harder for them to get.. it’s hardbreaking..
Nemo had such a hard year in Grade 1 and now finally, has integrated a group of frineds. They are all the kinder boys of the class but this morning we were late and he got very upset because one of his friends was seated ON HIS SEAT in a reading group arrangement. He kicked the chair and made a big fuzz. I wanted to say “But that’s your FRIEND, take a chair and sit with them” but there was no use. I had to leave class as the teacher took over. They are used to Nemo and his outbursts but his friend looked at him with big eyes. Other children just can’t understand but I am hoping that in the end, he will end up with just a small group of REAL friends. But it’s a fragile balance .
Maybe try to make an album on fb or elsewhere with all the lovely photos of this week, also to push the good memories a little bit more in the foreground.. ? xx
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Tomorrow is another day and even though today was a shit one, in 10 years time you won’t remember this day but the good parts of her days instead. Much love.
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My heart feels heavy as I fight back my tears and I want to tell you it will all sort itself out. The only thing I know about disabilities from living with and raising my son is this, don’t look further ahead than you need to. xo