Knowing but not.

Knowing but not.

It might sound basic, but sometimes you know something, but you don’t really know it. If that makes sense. Like logically you know you can’t fly, but you can’t tell me you’ve never been tempted, even for a second, to just try and see what happens. And then logic kicks in and you don’t jump off anything too high.

Maybe it’s hope. Or denial. Or just a flaw of logic in my head. I’m not sure, but there are some things that never seem to just stick.

The flying thing is one of them. And of course, unless I’m actually a bumblebee underneath (highly unlikely) it’s never going to happen. It doesn’t stop me dreaming of flight. Soft, light and free, moving through the air; landing gently, safely.

Poss’ diagnosis is another one. It sounds stupid, because we’ve known about the label for almost six years now, and of course I’ve known my daughter much longer. The label doesn’t change her at all; she always was who she is. Awesome and challenging and fabulous. The label just helps me understand her better.

And yet, there are times when I forget. Just for a moment. Like when I wake from a dream where I’ve been flying. And then I remember, with a rush of recognition, a slight sting, and then a touch of relief that the world is as I know it again, that I can’t actually fly. And that the label is still there.

Sometimes it’s receiving a specialist report that prompts it. Waiting in my email inbox like an excited dog, waiting to jump all over me as I open it. Done with love, but unintentionally hurtful. Sometimes it’s a phone call from school, or something she’s struggling with. Or I’m struggling with.

I met with a counsellor last week, as I needed to talk through some things. It’s something I do every now and then to try and clear my head, and get some advice from someone who isn’t my family or friends.

We spoke of many things, but we came back to this again and again; surely I should just know these things by now. Surely I shouldn’t be shocked when things are hard, challenging, or really, just as expected. Why does that hit of recognition still sting?

She said it’s not uncommon for some things to not stick. For us to have to logically process them instead of instinctively just knowing. She didn’t go into why. Maybe that’s for next time.

And then she told me to stop being so hard on myself. To feel it. To live it. To give myself time to change gears and catch up. Like when you wake up and need time to adjust to the light.

And just let some things wash over me, instead of feeling like I need to react to every thing that comes my way. Good advice. But somehow I think it will be easier said than done.

Now. Back to working out how I can be a bumblebee…


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