The least I could do

its the least i can do

At the moment Poss is sleeping in our bed. Her little body curls up against mine in the night, making the same little baby snuffle sounds she made when she was a new born. Even if she manages to sleep through the night, inevitably at some point in the early hours, before daylight, she will softly call for me to hold her. Protect her.

And I do. Because at the moment, it feels like it’s the only time I truly can.

Yesterday was her ILP. Those meetings are hard at the best of times, but I found myself unable to speak for most of the meeting as I was so filled with disappointment and anger. Anger that strategies we had put in place over the past few years seem to have been forgotten, disappointed that we are still having the same conversations three years later.

Instead I sat there, feeling everything there was to feel, and not being able to express it at all. My words evaporated into thin air; all the reading, all the statistics, all the reports and the big important words just slipped away like sand, replaced with tears and useless overwhelming emotion.

So my mum said the words that needed to be said and nodded in all the right places.

And I went home and cried at the unfairness of it all, the stupid injustice.

She works so hard to just be at the same starters block as the other kids, even when they have all lapped her. The effort she makes to do the same thing that the others master without thought. They breath it in, seemingly learning things by osmosis, while for Poss automating even the basics can take forever.

Last night she didn’t need to call out in the night to be held. I don’t think I let her go all night. It was the least I could do.

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  1. Sharron Redmond says:

    I am sorry this happens to you and Poss and your husband . You are a wonderful inspiring family and we all laugh and cry along with you . It’s times like these we realise how important the little victories that we wouldn’t notice any other day are . Sending lots of huggles xx

  2. Oh Renee, oh Poss.. it really breaks my heart to read it is so bad ..
    sometimes holding and hoping is all you can do.
    thinking of you and hoping better times are ahead.x

  3. Nothing but love for you all x
    Naomi recently posted..Roll up! roll up! The election is in town.My Profile

  4. I remember in my early 20’s a girlfriend broke up with her boyfriend and she was ever so sad and so she went, she headed home to her mum and she told me that she too slept with her mum ‘spooning’. I was surprised, because although I love my mum I couldn’t imagine being huddled up in bed with her for comfort. I hope my Lulu never grows to old.
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  5. This is heartbreaking. Hang in there, and keep holding that delicious daughter of yours, Team Poss. Our thoughts, Team Meteorite 🙂

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